12:13 a.m.

I want to hold your hand, so that you know everything will be okay, and that I would never, ever leave you.

Life is rough, but we get through.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but couldn't get it?





It kind of feels like my heart is being carved out of my chest with a jagged piece of metal.

Instead of making a clean cut, it's being slowly ripped and torn, making sure I feel every incision. Everyone knows that what I'm doing and feeling is an abomination to humanity.

The tears swell up in my eyes, but I do not allow them to overflow onto my face.

I am frusterated with society, the rules of life, and the code of friendship.

Sometimes in life there are things that just cannot happen; they break all the rules, and yet that still hasn't stopped me from feeling this way.

I'm willing to give my whole being to this, and face all my fears, but will never be given the chance.







I want to be there, through everything life has to give.

I want to comfort you on your worst days, and celebrate with you on the best.

I want to be the shoulder you cry on, and the one who makes you laugh.

I want to be your everything.

"Sometimes you just need to be with the person that makes you smile, even if it means waiting"

Forever & Always.

BFSM.

"The greatest thing in life is finding someone who

knows all of your mistakes, weaknesses, and flaws,

yet still finds you completely amazing."

-Anonymous

Think about it: Your favorite thing in the world.
Got it?

Now imagine having 1,000 of those things.
(Example: 1 oreo cookie x 1000 = pretty freakin sweet)


Now think of your best friend.

They're pretty awesome right? (Of course they are, they're friends with you!)
Now imagine the awesomeness of your best friend x 1000.
I think it's safe to say that they would be the ultimate best friend.
Wouldn't that be great? Having an ultimate best friend?
Yeah....too bad it's only in your imagination...
I hate when that happens.

But, lucky for me, I don't need to imagine the ultimate best friend.
Want to know why?
Because I have the one and only ultimate best friend, and her name is Jillian Nicole Loslo.


So let's start from the beginning. My first impression of Jillian was that she was going to be a complete bitch. The first few days in our Algebra two class I couldn't stand her. Now, this wasn't an opinion I had formed on my own, but had grown from a friends comment about how annoying she was.

Then, we both started working at Dairy Queen together, so we started talking more. At the time I thought she was just being friendly by starting conversations with me at work, and in class...but she has reminded me many times that my friend Courtnie told her to talk to me because I was shy. So pretty much she talked to me because I was pitiful. Me thinking she was a major bitch, and her being my friend out of pitty = a great beginning eh?

As time went on, though, we grew closer. I never would have though I would become such good friends.

You should really meet this girl. She will change your life. You know how strong metal is? Yeah well imagine that in human form, because that's her. Most people run when life throws curve balls, or hands them lemons, or whatever other dorky sayings you want to use, but she hasn't.
She has gotten to me more than any other person has in my life, ever. She has changed my life.
I've never felt this strongly about anyone in my life before, friend wise that is. She is not just a best friend, but as a sister. The bond that I have with Jillian is just about as strong as the bond that I have with my brother.

As time has gone on, my definition of "best friend" had been ever changing, but now it is constant.My definition of best friend is now, and always will be Jillian.

She is my hero, my best friend, my sister, my secret keeper, my advice giver, my life coach, my teacher, a second motherly figure....my everything.

Self Improvement.

My imagination is taking control of my life.

Although I love that I can dream and think

of such spectacular things, it also has a

major downside: reality can never live up to it.

Everything inspires me, and sparks my imagination

in some way. I wish people could just live inside my

head and understand what I am talking about, because

I feel like I have no one to relate to. But, putting all that

aside, I decided that I am going to work on self

improvement. So here is a list of all the things I decided

I need to work on or accomplish:

1. Be more outgoing
2. Find happiness in more things/embrace the moment
3. Commit more random acts of kindness
4. Learn to be patient, and take deep breaths
5. Love myself, and others more
6. Face my fears
7. Take risks
8. Live honestly, but kindly. Don't speak badly to or about people.
9. Have confidence
10. Be greatness, speak greatness, live greatness.

"Find life experiences and swallow them whole. Travel.

Meet many people. Go down some dead ends and explore dark alleys.

Try everything. Exhaust yourself in the glorious pursuit of life."

-Lawrence K. Fish

Break the mold.

We are a product of our environment. We are the clay and society is the mold. As we grow, our surroundings shape us into who we are as adults. Our parents, the education we get, and the media all determine who we will be as adults. The values and morals that we have are predetermined for us. Maybe they aren't exactly all in black and white, but they are definitely there in some shade of grey. We are not immune to the influences of the world.

Having that said, what if we were born in a world of solitude? What if everything just disappeared and we were left alone. I mean, as a baby you can't fend for yourself so you'd have to have someone to take care of you, but what if they weren't bias, they had no opinions. What if we just got the facts and we were left to decide everything on our own with no outside involvement? What kind of person would we become?

People always say "be yourself". But who are we really? We are the sedimentary rocks of society, adding pieces here and there, forming who we think we are. But that is not being an individual, which would require being unique and original, but being a mosaic of our environment.

If you stripped all those pieces away what would be left? Who we are is at the core of our being, without all the fancy, shiny, pieces we add, and before the opinions and beliefs of others are overloaded into us.

Sometimes I wish that I could just go to a place where there was no one, and I could just be left there. The world would be my canvas. There would be no one to judge me, and no one to influence who I became. I wonder if I would still be the same person that I am at this very moment. I don't think I would be, at all. I think that some of the effects from society could be reversed, and some of the marks that have been left could be erased, but I couldn't erase them all. Who would I be then? Who am I really? I wish I had been born and just given the facts so I could create my own, unique opinions on life.

Society has put a mask on me and who I am, or who I should have been from the beginning. Society has restricted us and not allowed us to expand to our full potential as human beings.

I believe we would be capable of so much more if there wasn't a mold we were supposed to fit into.

Are we like jello? "Let's mix up a batch of human and place it in the mold called 'society'".

Sunshine.

To me, sunshine symbolizes happiness, strength, and hope. One of the biggest lessons that I have learned is that each person has the opportunity to create their own attitude, or sunshine. They have the power to find the good in people, in life, and in each moment. Each of us decides how we will react to situations that occur on an everyday basis. Will spilling coffee on yourself at 8 a.m. ruin your whole day? Or will you get over it and go to work with a smile on your face?

Another thing that I have learned is that certain circumstances, and people, within each of our lives can bring us down. I have noticed that a majority of people allow others to decide their attitude for them, instead of chosing it themselves. A lot of times we do not embrace each moment we are given with open arms. We complain and pick out all the bad things, instead of finding the good. People spend too much of their time being angry, and upset, and holding grudges, that they miss out on all the good things that life has to offer. Instead of spending your time being unhappy, take a minute and find something that will make you smile. Look up a comic on the internet, look outside and see the sun shining on the flowers, anything that puts a smile on your face.

We will never be able to rid ourseves completely of the ugliness in the world, but no matter how strong these influences are on our lives, we have to push past them. In time, we will become stronger from each one. We learn to grow from the things we think hinder us. We become stronger because we have to push our way through the setbacks to let our sun shine again. Never give someone the power to control your sunshine. It's all up to you, the individual. You have the power to find the good, to forget the bad, to forgive, and to forget. You have the choice to be strong or weak, and you have the choice to be pessimistic or optimistic.




So...what will you choose?