Sweet & Sour Chicken

Maybe we're all just scared.

I have a permanent frown, plastered upon my alabaster skin.

Over and over and over-

My mind is a VCR, rewinding and replaying every scene & every moment we ever spent together.

The corners of my mouth curl upward into an awkward smile.

I lay on the frozen concrete, just to remind myself that I'm alive.

The wires did not get crossed.

There's no short in the fuse box.

"You're scared."

Two simple words that caused an avalanche in my brain.

Self-realization.

Self-acceptance.

Advice giver, listener, hopeful, dreamer.

It's easier said than done.

Free falling.

You jumped, you fell, and you landed.

One-two-three. End.

It's a battlefield & you're bound to get scarred.

Be vulnerable....just fall.

It's the simple things...

Illegal and forbidden.

You have the face of innocence.

Toxic.

Harmless.

Your poison tastes so sweet.

Filling the crevices of my heart that I never knew were there.

Cementing it together and making me feel whole again.

I take a hit, and I'm breathless.

High for days, or even months.

They do not warn you of these side effects.

I must have swallowed a million caterpillars in my sleep.

They're emerging from their chrysalises in a rainbow of colors.

Butterflies are fluttering in my stomach, overflowing out of my mouth with every word I speak.

Drunken with giggles; I feel like a foolish, young school girl again.

My hands are a puzzle, and I'm looking for their missing pieces.

I do not know much of anything with any certainty, but I know one thing-

You make me happy.

If you just realize...

I love being in control.
I am afraid of commitment because to me commitment is sharing control.

I need someone to break down this wall I built up.

Where do we go from here?

Dear you,
I know (I am assuming) you probably think that I do not care anymore, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. Well, I would like to say "I know you're upset" but I don't want to assume that. I just want to let you know that I am upset too. I really wish I knew what happened. Of all the people in my life I never expected to lose you. You mean so much to me and everything I have ever told you is completely true and I still feel that way. You impacted my life so much, that I do not think that you will ever realize it. I wish I could rewind time and go back and fix things before they happened and it ended up like this.

I know you probably feel like I blame you for everything and for why this happened, and honestly sometimes I do. But at the same time I know you probably feel the same way about me. I am not perfect, and I know I probably did quite a few things to hurt you and to help break our relationship down.

I wish there was something I could say to magically fix all of this, but at this point I can't.
I do not know what you feel about any of this, but I would love to know.
You mean too much to me for me to just let you go and not fight to have you in my life again.
I know at this point in time it might not be the best thing for us to try because I need a break for a while, but I just want you to know that I still love you and I still want you in my life and in time I hope we can fix everything.

BFSM, right?
We're supposed to live next to eachother and have our kids get married, remember?
Love you.

The Only Exception

"Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul, that love never lasts and we've got to find other ways to make it alone, or keep a straight face. And I've always lived like this-keeping a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I was content with lonliness. Cause none of it was ever worth the risk, but...you are the only exception" -Paramore

I've always had the silent unspoken rule for myself that I need to be comfortable with myself and love who I am before I can allow someone else to love me. I believe that is the only way someone can give you their everything and you can allow yourself to give them your everything. I've always wondered if I would ever find someone who would finish my puzzle, who would fit perfectly with me. I am a big jumble of ideas, opinions, feelings, thoughts, and emotions that never makes sense. I am a foreign language, and I need a translator. I need someone to figure me out. I want someone to figure me out. I want someone to love me for all my flaws. I want someone to be able to finish my sentences and understand where I am coming from and know what I am going to say before I say it.

I feel like no one will ever understand though, because at times I don't even understand me. But for now I am completely content with who I am. I am not "single" because that implies that I am looking for something, and I'm not. I'm happy being a foreign language that no one can understand, a puzzle piece standing alone. I am independent and strong enough to be happy with myself and not have to have someone there to hold me up.

Lifes a silly little thing, but I love my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world. <3

When do you stop fighting?

Life is a battlefield, plain and simple.
You argue with yourself over what is right and wrong.
Mother-daughter fights are bound to happen, especially in your adolescent years.
Sibling rivalries are inevitable, and bitching out your best friend from time to time is a clause that is written in permanent ink in the "friendship contract" that is created through silent mutual agreements.

Then there are more serious fights, like wars, politics, cancer, and other illnesses.

But when do you know when enough is enough?
You push yourself to the limit believing that you can win, but what you have just been fighting a losing battle to begin with?

Sometimes the battles are not even worth fighting.
Which ones to you choose to sit out of, and which ones to thrust yourself into?

I suppose it is just a matter of the heart.

Random thought.

So, I just had a very interesting thought while sitting here in my dorm room waiting for my John Mayer video on Youtube to load.

How come if someone tells you something negative about your body it's not okay, but if someone tells you something positive about your body it is?

How come it's not right for someone not to date someone else just because they don't think they are that attractive, but it's okay for someone to date someone else just because they are hot?


In my opinion if a guy was to come up to me and tell me that I was ugly, or fat, or gross, or anything negative that I would think "He's not worth my time if all he cares about is my looks", but if a guy was to come up to be and tell me "You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen", I'd probably instantly like him.

They are almost the same thing, because neither of them judge you based on your personality, just on looks alone.

So how come one is okay, and the other isnt?

As the summer ends...

...we begin a new chapter in our lives.



You're right, the closer you get to someone the scarier it is.
You have a greater chance of getting hurt because you become more vulnerable.
You allow a person to know everything about you, inside and out...every nook and cranny.
I love you with all my being, and I love the relationship that we have, but you know me...the worry wart.
Everytime I get close to someone like this, I get hurt and my heart gets broken.
I'm scared now, that because our surroundings are changing, that we will change and everything will be different and not in a good way.
I know that is stupid for me to think, but it's always in the back of my mind.

But instead of that happening, I hope our relationship becomes stronger than it is now, and that we grow together instead of apart.
I have never wanted something to work out so much as I do this.
I love you more than I can even explain, or can even be measured.
Thank you for being you.




I love you.

Kaleidoscope

Life is made up of pieces which all seem to be thrown into a hat.
Leaving us to blindly choose the ones that will ultimately determine our fate.
Some pieces are exquisite, while others are of the ugliest hues imaginable.
But that's when you realize that life is like a kaleidoscope.
While all the pieces inside may not be as eye catching or pleasing as others, as a whole they come together to form a beautiful work of art.

Coaxing a tortoise out of it's shell.

We're born in this sort of shell, one where our mother and father protect us from all the evils of the world.
But as we grow, the invisible womb our mothers still hold us in slowly disintegrates.
We are thrust out into the cold, cruel world to fend for ourselves.
Some embrace the opportunity whole heartedly. They are life's dart boards, ready to take anything it has to offer; the most amazing, or the most heart wrenching.
Others are not so eager. They do not want to be shown off like a store front window for all to see and criticize.
These people create their own unique defense sytems.
Some create soemthing as simple as a mask, while others build intricate fortresses around their feelings.
When you hide yourself and your feelings from others, the probability that you will miss out on some of life's greatest things increases immensely.

Take off the mask, and watch the wall of your fortress crumble to the ground.
The intensity of your life will increase exponentially.
The dull, monotone colored palette of your life will become vivid with experiences.
You might get hurt in the process, and it might feel like hell at times, but things will always work themselves out.
And with the chances of getting hurt, you also have the chances of finding the best thing that will ever happen to you.

The Purple Hippo.

I want to smell the cologone on your skin.
Wrap your arms around me like a blanket.
Everything with you is effortless, like my smiles.
Our fingers interlaced, like puzzle pieces, remind me that you'll always be there.
I know everything will be alright when you are around.
The world could come crashing down, but as long as you're by my side I'll be protected.
I feel like I'm finally where I'm supposed to be, and where I was meant to be all along.

Waking up in Vegas.

Simple, easy, safe, and predictable. That's how I like it.

Despite that fact, my life is still full of chaos, but I have learned to keep it together.
Dreams, worries, memories, hopes all neatly aligned and in alphabetical order.
Arranged as precise as a library.

Click. "The forcast today looks rather enjoyable. Sunny with a high of 75. Possible chance of showers" Perfect if you ask me. The news comes back on and my thoughts drift elsewhere...
The forcaster frantically inturrupts the current news story...

You appear out of nowhere.
This doesn't happen in Chicago, but here you come anyways in all your glory.
They call you Hurricane "X".
From the looks of it, you are a Category 1-the least damaging of them all.
Though, as you keep getting closer, your intensity increases.
You go from Category 1, to a Category 5-the strongest hurricane imaginable, and the most rare.
You shatter through the impenetrable glass that surrounds my heart, and yet you still don't frighten me.
I'm stuck, right in the path of destruction.
You rip me away from the life I had known. A life full of fears, doubts, and uncertainties.
Spinning in a whirlwind of confusion.
You carry me along for what seems like an eternity, before you finally set me down.

My mind is now a clutter fuck of emotions and questions, but I can wait to clean it up.
Instead of waking up in Chicago this morning, I'm waking up in Vegas.

Everything that I thought I wanted, has been thrown out the window and now lays in shambles scattered across the way. My safe haven has been destroyed, but I have never been more comfortable. I'm going to embrace this moment while I have it because who knows how long it will last.

I am finally right where I should have been all along, in the arms of Vegas.

12:13 a.m.

I want to hold your hand, so that you know everything will be okay, and that I would never, ever leave you.

Life is rough, but we get through.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but couldn't get it?





It kind of feels like my heart is being carved out of my chest with a jagged piece of metal.

Instead of making a clean cut, it's being slowly ripped and torn, making sure I feel every incision. Everyone knows that what I'm doing and feeling is an abomination to humanity.

The tears swell up in my eyes, but I do not allow them to overflow onto my face.

I am frusterated with society, the rules of life, and the code of friendship.

Sometimes in life there are things that just cannot happen; they break all the rules, and yet that still hasn't stopped me from feeling this way.

I'm willing to give my whole being to this, and face all my fears, but will never be given the chance.







I want to be there, through everything life has to give.

I want to comfort you on your worst days, and celebrate with you on the best.

I want to be the shoulder you cry on, and the one who makes you laugh.

I want to be your everything.

"Sometimes you just need to be with the person that makes you smile, even if it means waiting"

Forever & Always.

BFSM.

"The greatest thing in life is finding someone who

knows all of your mistakes, weaknesses, and flaws,

yet still finds you completely amazing."

-Anonymous

Think about it: Your favorite thing in the world.
Got it?

Now imagine having 1,000 of those things.
(Example: 1 oreo cookie x 1000 = pretty freakin sweet)


Now think of your best friend.

They're pretty awesome right? (Of course they are, they're friends with you!)
Now imagine the awesomeness of your best friend x 1000.
I think it's safe to say that they would be the ultimate best friend.
Wouldn't that be great? Having an ultimate best friend?
Yeah....too bad it's only in your imagination...
I hate when that happens.

But, lucky for me, I don't need to imagine the ultimate best friend.
Want to know why?
Because I have the one and only ultimate best friend, and her name is Jillian Nicole Loslo.


So let's start from the beginning. My first impression of Jillian was that she was going to be a complete bitch. The first few days in our Algebra two class I couldn't stand her. Now, this wasn't an opinion I had formed on my own, but had grown from a friends comment about how annoying she was.

Then, we both started working at Dairy Queen together, so we started talking more. At the time I thought she was just being friendly by starting conversations with me at work, and in class...but she has reminded me many times that my friend Courtnie told her to talk to me because I was shy. So pretty much she talked to me because I was pitiful. Me thinking she was a major bitch, and her being my friend out of pitty = a great beginning eh?

As time went on, though, we grew closer. I never would have though I would become such good friends.

You should really meet this girl. She will change your life. You know how strong metal is? Yeah well imagine that in human form, because that's her. Most people run when life throws curve balls, or hands them lemons, or whatever other dorky sayings you want to use, but she hasn't.
She has gotten to me more than any other person has in my life, ever. She has changed my life.
I've never felt this strongly about anyone in my life before, friend wise that is. She is not just a best friend, but as a sister. The bond that I have with Jillian is just about as strong as the bond that I have with my brother.

As time has gone on, my definition of "best friend" had been ever changing, but now it is constant.My definition of best friend is now, and always will be Jillian.

She is my hero, my best friend, my sister, my secret keeper, my advice giver, my life coach, my teacher, a second motherly figure....my everything.

Self Improvement.

My imagination is taking control of my life.

Although I love that I can dream and think

of such spectacular things, it also has a

major downside: reality can never live up to it.

Everything inspires me, and sparks my imagination

in some way. I wish people could just live inside my

head and understand what I am talking about, because

I feel like I have no one to relate to. But, putting all that

aside, I decided that I am going to work on self

improvement. So here is a list of all the things I decided

I need to work on or accomplish:

1. Be more outgoing
2. Find happiness in more things/embrace the moment
3. Commit more random acts of kindness
4. Learn to be patient, and take deep breaths
5. Love myself, and others more
6. Face my fears
7. Take risks
8. Live honestly, but kindly. Don't speak badly to or about people.
9. Have confidence
10. Be greatness, speak greatness, live greatness.

"Find life experiences and swallow them whole. Travel.

Meet many people. Go down some dead ends and explore dark alleys.

Try everything. Exhaust yourself in the glorious pursuit of life."

-Lawrence K. Fish

Break the mold.

We are a product of our environment. We are the clay and society is the mold. As we grow, our surroundings shape us into who we are as adults. Our parents, the education we get, and the media all determine who we will be as adults. The values and morals that we have are predetermined for us. Maybe they aren't exactly all in black and white, but they are definitely there in some shade of grey. We are not immune to the influences of the world.

Having that said, what if we were born in a world of solitude? What if everything just disappeared and we were left alone. I mean, as a baby you can't fend for yourself so you'd have to have someone to take care of you, but what if they weren't bias, they had no opinions. What if we just got the facts and we were left to decide everything on our own with no outside involvement? What kind of person would we become?

People always say "be yourself". But who are we really? We are the sedimentary rocks of society, adding pieces here and there, forming who we think we are. But that is not being an individual, which would require being unique and original, but being a mosaic of our environment.

If you stripped all those pieces away what would be left? Who we are is at the core of our being, without all the fancy, shiny, pieces we add, and before the opinions and beliefs of others are overloaded into us.

Sometimes I wish that I could just go to a place where there was no one, and I could just be left there. The world would be my canvas. There would be no one to judge me, and no one to influence who I became. I wonder if I would still be the same person that I am at this very moment. I don't think I would be, at all. I think that some of the effects from society could be reversed, and some of the marks that have been left could be erased, but I couldn't erase them all. Who would I be then? Who am I really? I wish I had been born and just given the facts so I could create my own, unique opinions on life.

Society has put a mask on me and who I am, or who I should have been from the beginning. Society has restricted us and not allowed us to expand to our full potential as human beings.

I believe we would be capable of so much more if there wasn't a mold we were supposed to fit into.

Are we like jello? "Let's mix up a batch of human and place it in the mold called 'society'".

Sunshine.

To me, sunshine symbolizes happiness, strength, and hope. One of the biggest lessons that I have learned is that each person has the opportunity to create their own attitude, or sunshine. They have the power to find the good in people, in life, and in each moment. Each of us decides how we will react to situations that occur on an everyday basis. Will spilling coffee on yourself at 8 a.m. ruin your whole day? Or will you get over it and go to work with a smile on your face?

Another thing that I have learned is that certain circumstances, and people, within each of our lives can bring us down. I have noticed that a majority of people allow others to decide their attitude for them, instead of chosing it themselves. A lot of times we do not embrace each moment we are given with open arms. We complain and pick out all the bad things, instead of finding the good. People spend too much of their time being angry, and upset, and holding grudges, that they miss out on all the good things that life has to offer. Instead of spending your time being unhappy, take a minute and find something that will make you smile. Look up a comic on the internet, look outside and see the sun shining on the flowers, anything that puts a smile on your face.

We will never be able to rid ourseves completely of the ugliness in the world, but no matter how strong these influences are on our lives, we have to push past them. In time, we will become stronger from each one. We learn to grow from the things we think hinder us. We become stronger because we have to push our way through the setbacks to let our sun shine again. Never give someone the power to control your sunshine. It's all up to you, the individual. You have the power to find the good, to forget the bad, to forgive, and to forget. You have the choice to be strong or weak, and you have the choice to be pessimistic or optimistic.




So...what will you choose?